Dealing with separation is tough. This post has some practical tips to help you manage your emotions, build a support system and focus on self care during this crazy time.
Quick Hits
- Knowing the emotional stages of separation (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) helps with the healing process after a breakup.
- Building a strong support system with family, friends and support groups and allowing yourself to grieve is key to coping with a separation or divorce.
- Practicing self care, seeking help when needed and finding new interests or hobbies is important for your mental and physical health as you transition to a new chapter.
The Emotional Stages of Dealing with Separation
Understanding and dealing with the emotional stages of separation is a big part of the healing journey. The 5 stages of grief identified by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross—denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance—give us a framework for understanding the psychological and emotional stages we might go through. Not everyone will go through all of these stages, and the order or recurrence can vary. The stages are:
Denial comes first, and is characterised by shock and emotional numbness. This stage can be a temporary buffer, allowing you to process the reality of the situation at your own pace.
After denial, anger will surface, and will manifest as agitation, frustration or even isolation. This emotional crisis can feel overwhelming but is a normal response to an unhappy relationship ending.
Bargaining is usually short lived and is characterised by a desperate search for meaning or a way to turn back the clock to before. Depression will then set in and you’ll feel deep sadness and withdrawal.
Finally acceptance allows you to come to terms with the separation and open the door to new beginnings. Knowing these emotional stages helps you to see that your painful feelings though intense are part of the normal grieving process.
Grieve
In divorce, grieving is a necessary step you must allow yourself to take. It’s a process of letting go of the old and moving forward. Grief can be paralysing at first but acknowledging and expressing your emotions is key to healing. Feeling overwhelmed with sadness is normal and part of the emotional journey you need to go through at this time.
Grieving is not a linear process, emotions will fluctuate and that’s okay. Giving yourself permission to feel sad and to function at less than 100% for a period of time will aid in your recovery. This time out will allow you to regroup, re-energise and eventually enjoy life again.
Build a Support System
During separation and divorce it’s important to build a support system. Support groups, family and close friends can provide the emotional support to get you through this tough time. If you feel like you’ve lost your social network, making an effort to reconnect or meet new people can be really helpful.
Connecting with supportive friends and family helps to manage feelings of loneliness and provides a safe space for emotional well being. Here are some ways to connect with your support network:
- Talking to trusted people
- Joining a support group
- Seeking advice and guidance from your network
- Sharing your story and listening to others in the same boat
This network gives you a sense of belonging and is a sounding board for big decisions and adds to your overall support system.
Face to face with good friends and family is particularly healing and makes you feel connected and less alone. Breakups from romantic relationships also give you an opportunity to reconnect with family or friends you may have put on the backburner during the relationship.
Self Care
During separation, your mental and physical health depends on making self care a priority. Self compassion will help you cope with divorce better and may even help you let go of guilt and shame. Treating yourself kindly will boost your self esteem and your mental state.
Healthy habits like eating well, exercising regularly and getting enough sleep are essential for physical health. Practicing mindfulness or meditation can help reduce stress and maintain emotional well being. Writing in a journal is another way to manage your thoughts and emotions and is a healthy way to express yourself. In this case organisations like Mental Health America can provide valuable resources and support for overall well being.
Avoid negative behaviours like substance abuse and isolation. Instead nurture your social connections and don’t be afraid to ask for help from neighbours, friends or family when you need it. Self care isn’t just about pampering yourself it’s about creating healthy habits for your overall well being.
Professional Help
During the high stress of divorce professional help can be a lifeline. If you’re feeling overwhelmed with emotions or struggling to get through daily routines it may be time to seek professional advice. Distinguishing between normal breakup reactions and depression is key; persistent negative feelings can damage your mental health and wellbeing.
There are various forms of professional help available for divorced parents including individual therapy, divorce counselling and support groups. These can help you navigate the emotional ups and downs of separation and provide a structured space to process your feelings. Counsellors can provide specific support for co parenting and other relationship dynamics so you have the tools to manage this big change.
Conflict with Your Ex
For a smoother transition it’s important to manage conflict with your ex. Being respectful in your communication, like you would with a colleague, can create a more polite and constructive conversation. When direct communication is hard use email or text messages as an alternative.
Treat your relationship with your ex as a business arrangement especially when there are children involved can help keep interactions practical and not personal. Some ways to improve communication and create a cooperative environment:
- Using problem solving techniques
- Focusing on your child’s needs not past hurts
- Not criticising each other’s parenting styles
- Being flexible with co parenting arrangements
By doing these you can create a more positive co parenting.
To protect their well being children should be shielded from excessive exposure to parental conflict. Here are some ways to do that:
- Don’t use children as messengers and address your other parent, the ex, directly to reduce stress and confusion for the child.
- Be friendly with your ex to create a positive environment for the child.
- Prioritise the child’s emotional needs and make them feel safe and loved.
By doing these you can create a healthy environment for your child.
Healthy Choices
For your overall health you need to make healthy choices during the separation. Appetite loss is common during divorce and can lead to poor nutrition which can stress the body and mind. Plan your meals in advance and keep healthy snacks on hand to maintain good nutrition during this stressful time.
Exercise is a stress buster, it releases endorphins that improve your mood and energy. Walking, yoga or dancing can be especially helpful. Staying hydrated and getting plenty of sleep is important for physical and mental health. Don’t use alcohol, drugs or food to cope with painful feelings as these can lead to more emotional and physical health issues.
New Interests and Hobbies
Rediscovering yourself and building a new social circle can be fun when you try new interests and hobbies. Breakups give you the opportunity to do things you may have been putting off due to the relationship. Here are some ideas:
- Try a new hobby
- Join a sports team
- Attend local meetups or events related to your interests
- Volunteer for a cause you care about
- Take a class or workshop to learn something new
These can introduce you to new friends and fill your free time with positive experiences.
Joining local groups or clubs, volunteering or taking classes are great ways to expand your social life. Whether it’s learning to brew beer, starting a garden or training for a marathon these can give you a sense of achievement and fun. Doing new things not only helps you build new friendships but also your overall emotional well being.
Legal Simplification
Simplifying the divorce process can reduce the stress. Knowing the legal steps involved, such as residency requirements and continuous separation can help you navigate the divorce process better. Knowing these requirements can take some emotional load off.
Consider using mediation or collaborative divorce to save time, money and stress. These alternatives to traditional litigation can give you a more amicable outcome, help you move on and provide divorce coping strategies.
Online submission of divorce applications and joint applications can also make the process easier.
Supporting Children Through Separation
For their emotional well being it’s important to support the children through the separation. Children exposed to high levels of parental conflict can exhibit withdrawal, lack of confidence or behavioural issues. Recognise changes in behaviour, mood or personality as signs that a child may be struggling with the separation.
Talk to your children about the changes in simple and honest language so they understand what’s happening without feeling overwhelmed. Encourage them to express their feelings so they can process their emotions. Keep familiar routines so they feel safe and in control and they will adjust better to the new situation.
Talk to school teachers and counsellors can provide extra support and monitor any changes in a child’s behaviour. Fun activities and spontaneous moments can boost a child’s mood and make the transition period easier for them. Involving children in small decisions can also make them feel more in control and safe during this tough time.
Reflecting on the Experience
Personal growth can come from reflecting on the relationship and the separation. Knowing what happened in the breakup and acknowledging your part can help you move on and not repeat the same mistakes in future relationships. Reflecting on your weaknesses and areas to improve can lead to big personal development.
This will help you get to know yourself and others better. It will also show you areas to work on. Breakups often highlight areas like co-dependency or the need for validation that need attention. By facing and accepting these you can come out stronger and wiser and ready to build healthier relationships in the future.
Moving On
After a separation moving on means:
- Setting new goals
- Boosting self esteem
- Focusing on personal well being
- Creating a new daily routine
- Imagining a new future
- Joining groups or clubs to connect with like minded people and get support and company
These will give you some comfort and a sense of progress.
Keep a positive attitude and focus on your strengths and fun activities and you will recover and build a healthy life. Reframe the breakup as an opportunity for self improvement and you will recover faster. Rediscover who you are and what you like by trying new hobbies or reconnecting with old friends.
Building self esteem by making small commitments to yourself and balancing conversations about the breakup with other topics will help you move on. Prioritise your personal well being and take time for self discovery are key to moving on and growing.
Conclusion
So in summary moving on and dealing with separation means understanding the emotional stages, letting yourself grieve, building a support system, self care, seeking professional help, managing conflict with your ex, making healthy choices, discovering new hobbies, simplifying the legal stuff, supporting children, reflecting on the experience and setting new goals. See this as an opportunity for growth and renewal and remember each step you take gets you closer to a better future.
FAQ
What are the emotional stages?
The emotional stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These can come in any order and can repeat as the separation journey is complex.
Why do I need to let myself grieve after a breakup or divorce?
You need to let yourself grieve after a breakup or divorce because it’s essential for healing and moving on, to process your emotions and to be able to live again.
How do I build a support system during a separation?
Reconnect with family and friends, join support groups and talk to trusted people for emotional support during a separation. This will help you build a support system.
When should I seek professional help during the divorce?
You should seek professional help during the divorce if you are feeling stuck with negative emotions or struggling to manage daily life. Professional support like individual therapy or divorce coaching can help you navigate the emotional separation.
How do I support my kids?
Support your kids through separation by having open conversations with them, let them express their feelings, maintain the routines and involve school teachers and counsellors for extra help.
